21 Steps to Becoming a Femme Surf God

21 Steps to Becoming a Femme Surf God

My last month on Vacay 2012 was dedicated to the sport of surfing and transforming myself into a surf babe. Although I was generally unsuccessful, I have taken it upon myself to compile a short list of instructions on how to get the ball rolling. These steps are but suggestions that I have extrapolated from observing other successful surf babes and watching the director's cut of Blue Crush. They are 100% theoretical.

 

1 - Buy a $1 dollar razor and give yourself razor burn everywhere.

 

2 -Loiter outside surf shops. Rent equipment but act all pissed off. Ask the dude that you rent from when high tide is (like you know what that indicates).

 

3 - Get up early and look at waves with hands on hips. Best if near a photographer or other surfers so you can make SUPER casual conversation about what time high tide is (don't finish your sentences). Make plans to go out later when it gets bigger. When/if it does get bigger make sure your hair is wet. Take a lap through town with wet hair. Ensure that nobody actually sees you surf.

 

4 - Come dangerously close to breaking a window doin' it with your temp surf boyfriend (necessary step). Pretend that you think his dream of changing careers from waiter to lifeguard is the most impressive thing you've ever heard.

 

5 - Spend some quality time under water. Get really comfortable feeling like you may drown/die at any minute.

 

6 - Throw hand symbols (ie. hang loose, rock on, thumbs up) at anyone you make eye contact with.

 

7 - Run on the beach when not surfing and get ballsy enough to kick rogue dogs. Channel your inner Kenny Powers and toe punt that shit.

 

8 - You are hard as fuck and v tanned.

 

9 - Do everything that Pitbull asks you to do on a dance floor. Never smile at anybody. You are totally unavailable. Wonder to yourself why you wanted to be with all the middle-aged men you used to want to be with.

 

10 - If you develop a crush on a body-boarder, bj only. I cannot stress how important this is.

 

11 - Stonewash denim and a fedora: just fucking wear it and know that you look more legit than you feel.

 

12 - Sort of fall in love with an intellectual ginger. Read shit on his Kindle together and talk about it. Have nice meals together. Share dessert. Then go have sex with the surf rats.

 

13 - Choreograph a dance with some other surf babes. Perform it everywhere (public spaces are green light). This will draw attention to your bods and blonde streaks. Conga line if hammered.

 

14 - Make surf plans with EVERYBODY. Go surfing with NOBODY. Good for image.

 

15 -Two words: bare feet. Always.

 

16 - If on the off-chance that you crash, say things like: "THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME" or "DID YOU SEE THAT? CRAZY" and then sit on your board with an incredulous expression for a minimum of ten minutes.

 

17 - Know that blonde men can and will break your heart. Avoid blonde men.

 

18 - Tell everyone you're a doctor. Then when they show you their surf related injuries say "oh I know exactly what that needs" and then give it a cheeky kiss (when they FAINT because they are in LOVE with you, get a real doctor).

 

19 - Meet the latin version of J-Biebs. Tell him you won't sleep with him, but that you will give him an equal trade if he performs a 4 AM dance solo in the street for you. Don't feel bad when you end up sleeping with him anyways and then hear that he's married. Find yourself living out a cliche in a bathroom with his boss about a week later.

 

20 - Get unattractively drunk and try to abandon your chaperones in the middle of the night to go on a surf trip with two local bros you meet at an after party. Make sure one of the chaperones wakes up just in time to foil your attempt, then throw a fit about how girls don't get to do anything in 2012. Pass out and wake up embarrassed. But alive!

 

21 - Get over being nervous to buy condoms. Just take your salty curls and your cut-offs and throw that little box down on the counter. Look that very Catholic small business owner in the eye and give him a face that reads one part "overpopulation is real" and one part "you'd hit this."

Call me at my parent's house if you have any questions.

 

For more of Katie's life tips, visit www.katieburrell.com.

Psssttt ! Envoie-ça à ton ami!

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